The Grief of Expectations

If you knew me in my every day life, you might know that I am grieving.

Actually, if you lived in my house, you might know this--I haven't really shared it with anyone but my husband.

The thing is, I am not really mourning anything that existed. I am not mourning an actual loss. Strange, right?

I remember grieving when my grandfather passed away, and then both of my grandmothers. That was this grieving encapsulated in fond memories, the knowledge of all that life finally laying down to rest. That was an expected grieving.

We all expect to grieve the loss of those near to us.

But I didn't expect this grief in my present time.

I didn't expect to grieve such a self-inflicted pain. I am grieving the expectations that have suddenly lost their hold on me--the false hope that has gripped me all these years as a mother.



I remember holding my little son in my arms after that first hour of his life. So many expectations for him, but mostly for me as his mother. And over these years, expectations have been borrowed, imposed, forced, and strived for.

Now, he's fourteen, and most days, I want to crawl in a corner and grieve the shattered pieces of all that expectation for something that will never be. I am not the mom I want to be. Everything is different. It's like I am waking up to someone else's life. And I don't know what to do with it.

Expectations are these tricky things. They kindle hope and excitement when first born in the mind of the dreamer. Now, those expectations are stabbing me with their pointy shards and reminding me that they were more toxic than real. In my grief, I step out of this dead shell and realize that those expectations are just trapping me.

I felt this way last year as an author, when I realized that the book I'd put so much hope in--and even my identity in--to be quite honest--was going to sit stagnant for a good long while. It would NOT be my starting point into a best-seller's career. It would not define me as I may have thought--it was not my entry into the publishing world.

Oh but I just LOVE that story. My heart skips a beat every time I dwell on the plot, and the character, and the theme. Just like my arms tingle when I catch a glimpse of my children fitting the shape of that broken expectation, even for a brief moment.

Expectations are horrible, wonderful things. For the even-tempered, they are nice gauges. But for the over-emotional, wildly-dreaming, perfectionist me, they are my greatest life-stealer.

Do you have a book that is lying there, in a grave of unmet expectation? Is this whole writing thing nothing you hoped for and now you're stuck trying to find breath again?

You aren't alone. It's a tough place to be--this side of dead expectations. I remind myself that I need to wipe away the tears that I've shed as a very fallible mother and wake up to this reality. My life isn't starting over, it's growing toward authenticity and assurance that I can't do this thing alone. God's given me children who are gifts in a different way than I could ever expect. And God's given me to my children. He knows what's ahead, and my only hope (expectation) is in His willingness to guide me and fill in the gaps.

And, oh...there are so many gaps that I leave as a very human mother.

It's just the same as those stories we love. If there is anything we need to expect, it's for the grief to end and new life to begin in a new story with a new purpose. And that God's got this. Our only hope is Him, because He's our breath of inspiration, right? So why do we fall in love with the story more than the Creator of the inspiration? Those crazy human expectations just need to die.

Walking away from the season of mouring, I must place my hope in an ever grace-filled God, knowing that in Him, my future for myself and my family is secure. And I place my hope in His will for that story. While my own expectations for it are gone, the story's not a loss. Just waiting for a gap to be filled.

Just like yours.

All in His time--The only true expectation.

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Angie Dicken is a full-time mom and lives in the Midwest with her Texas Aggie sweetheart. An ACFW member since 2010, she writes historical, historical romance, and dabbles in contemporary romance. Her debut historical romance novel, published by Barbour, will come out in November 2017, and her Harlequin Love Inspired Historical novel comes out in Spring 2018. Angie is represented by Tamela Hancock Murray of The Steve Laube Agency. Come hang out with me on social media!

Facebook: www.facebook.com/dicken.angie, 

Twitter: @angiedicken
Pinterest: pinterest.com/agdicken

A Not-So-Quiet Adventure in Writing

by photostock

Saturday, I took my three younger children to the public library. It was quite an adventure. The definition of "quiet at the library" has changed for me now that I am a mom. Really, any public library that has an interactive children's section can't expect the same kind of "quiet" like the musty university library of my younger years where a talk above a whisper was a no-no.

No.

"Library quiet" is more of a "not-roaring (sometimes, depending on the puppet show), non-shouting-

by photostock

at-your-sibling" kinda hush.

Let's fast-forward to later that day when I gave myself permission to write in the chaos of my own home. A feat I had long since thrown off as typical in my writing life.

For some reason this past year I told myself a lie: That I could only write with peace and quiet, no interruptions, and preferably with the hustle and bustle of a coffee shop just beyond my laptop. With four kids, two dogs, and a husband, you can imagine how much writing I have accomplished this past year with this type of expectation. Throw in a little life drama....okay...let's say heavy on the side of spice with no sweetener about... and I have myself a few hundred blank pages.

Back to the chaos of my own home this past Saturday...I plopped myself on the couch with my daughter singing and dancing to Max and Ruby, my sons battling it out on Minecraft and inviting the neighborhood in for a peek at their "worlds", and I made myself WRITE. Even just a sentence every five minutes, or between snacks, or after breaking up a fist fight (no joke)...I actually got in a groove.

by arztsamui
(What I hope my boys are aspiring for when they fight in my living room.)

Crazy.

But in a library with the children's section not so secluded and the volume level unexpectedly high, there were still stories in books waiting to be read and stories being read by readers (even if they were slightly annoyed with the noise). And in the crazy life I live, there is still a story to be told amidst the chaos, and even if the story being written by a writer who is slightly (or more so) annoyed with the little beasts running about, it is at least being written. Let's just say, when the book is finally finished, it will all be quite the adventure worth having!

What is your biggest distraction to settle into a writing groove?

by imagerymajesty

**all photos found on www.freedigitalphotos.net

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Angie Dicken is a full-time mom and lives in the Midwest with her Texas Aggie sweetheart. An ACFW member since 2010, she has written five Historical Romance novels, has a Historical underway, and is represented by Tamela Hancock Murray of The Steve Laube Agency. Angie also spends her time designing one-sheets, selling Jamberry Nail Wraps, and drinking good coffee with great friends. Check out her author page at www.facebook.com/dicken.angie and her personal blog at angiedicken.blogspot.com 

I Can't Get No Satisfaction... Again.

Can I just say when I sat to write this blog post I just felt, well... empty. Uninspired. Tired. What could I possibly say at a moment like this that will strike a chord with anyone? I drew a big fat blank and so I revisited my old blog, seeking inspiration. Funny enough, my own words from over a year ago came back and nurtured that same weary place in me. These aren't fancy words or some grandiose lesson. We will never have it all together. We might never find it possible to be truly content in right now. But in this simple bare confession, we might, just maybe find common ground. And be inspired for today.

The words may be recycled but they hit me afresh.

March 27, 2013 - I Can't Get No Satisfaction

As I’m certain all of you know by now, life is, well . . . hard. Busy. Hectic. Stressful. Exhausting.

There are countless distractions that steal my time and my focus away from my Source. And often enough, my Source starts to feel like a side dish, and then maybe a dessert, or just an occasional splurge. It’s much more difficult to notice just a pound or two. Most often it’s only when you’re completely out of shape that you start to realize how horrendous your diet has become.

As a mother of two wild-child toddlers (now 2 tots and a baby), most days when I catch my reflection in the mirror I have one of those “Whoa!” moments. As in “Whoa, sister, what the heck happened to you? You used to be kinda cute and, well, skinny, with unlined skin and an almost perpetual grin. 

When did I lose my focus? When did I become complacent? How did I get so out of shape?

With everything in me I want to be desperate for God. But am I? And how, with the kids and the bills, and a marriage, and relationships, and writing, and blogging, and facebook, and church, and missions, and . . . (you get the idea), do I find time to indulge in Him?

In my heart I’m not trying to simply perform or look good on paper so that others might commend my holiness. Ick! Even just thinking that makes me all itchy with the hypocrisy of it all. Legalism. Empty works. Going through the motions.

That is not how I want to glorify the God that is my very breath. The God who has blessed me with this wonderfully exhausting home and family. The God who has never abandoned me even in my darkest, desert nights.

So why do I feel like a snail wiggling inch by inch up an endlessly long and treacherous mountain when, in reality, I know that I will never reach that ideal peak. There is no perfection to be had here. There is no earthy destination where I will have done everything God has for me to do and then I can just dust off my hands, kick up my feet, and wait to see his Glory face-to-face.

Since my efforts very often fall short and leave me filled with frustration, am I bringing Him any glory at all?

A few weeks ago at church my Pastor said something that stuck all over me like winter static. He said:

God is most glorified in you when you are satisfied in Him.

Man, it really got me thinking  . . . Am I satisfied? My life is great, but am I so caught up in my daily struggles that I’m left wanting more without the energy to even cry out for it?

This profound thought has been tooling around in my brain for a few weeks, and yet, I'm not convinced I know how to be fully satisfied with where I am at. Every day is a battle. From the unique struggles that we are facing with our children, to the constant financial battle of getting ahead, and the challenges of my husbands dreadful job (no longer dreadful, hallelujah!), I feel like we are simply pushing through the junk in hopes of the day when things won't be quite so difficult.

But that really just means that we are missing out on what God is trying to teach us right now. Missing out on time that we will never get back. And failing to see that regardless of our circumstances, we are called by God to be a light today. To show his love, joy, grace, and compassion today. To seek him with everything we have, not tomorrow, or when life finally settles down (as if that will ever happen), but TODAY.

What do people see when they look at me? Do they see the snot-crusted mommy who hasn’t had a good nights sleep in almost four years? Or do they see a joyful servant of the Most High, blessed beyond belief and satisfied with the God that is always more than enough?

What about you? Are you shining with His Glory? Or are you so worn out that you can’t even reflect an ounce of His goodness?

Regardless of your struggles, are you satisfied?

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Amy Leigh Simpson writes Romantic Suspense that is heavy on the romance, unapologetically honest, laced with sass and humor, and full of the unfathomable Grace of God. She is the completely sleep deprived mama to two little tow-headed mischief makers, one pretty little princess, and wife to her very own swoon-worthy hero. Represented by the oh-so-wise and dashing Chip MacGregor of MacGregor Literary Inc.

Pregnant Pause...

For those of you following on Facebook, no, in fact, I am no longer pregnant. Yippee! Pregnancy for some is a time of great anticipation and preparation. And while I can admit to feeling those things during those long nine months, most of my pregnancy days are more misery than anything else.

Last week of misery!

If you have children you know that life doesn’t exactly slow down when the pregnancy ends. Once that baby arrives life is more of a tailspin than ever. Well meaning individuals advise pregnant mothers to “sleep now” while you still can. And to “take time for yourself” because motherhood changes everything, including how much “you-time” you’ll have until your nest once again becomes empty.

But here’s the thing… Life doesn’t slow down or stop for anybody. There are seasons of sowing. Busy times of planning and plotting. There are seasons of growth, where the fruits of your labor need lots of nurturing—and energy you don’t always possess. And then, birth… and with it the beautiful product of your labor. Your baby. We are always moving forward, even in seasons of barrenness. But sometimes we need that time. That frustratingly unproductive pause in between, to breathe. To cultivate new ideas. New passions. New dreams. And new stories.

I have been in one of these seasons I like to think of as a sort of pregnant pause. I am anything but still. No less productive, though my productivity looks vastly different these days. My writing time is limited. My physical and emotional resources are tapped. And yet… I am gearing up, yearning to get back on the horse to embrace another season of writing and new stories to be told.

But while I wait here in this fissure between stories already woven and stories I’m desperate to unearth from my heart, I am finding something rejuvenating in the in-between. No, I wouldn’t call this time rest. And I’m certainly not “blocked” or uninspired.

I’m pregnant with anticipation, and filling up on dreams for the journey ahead. 

Alley Kitten - Eisley Violet Simpson born March 14, 2014

 

And I can’t wait to tell you about the stories God is preparing to birth in me! What about you? Tell me about YOUR baby! I’ve been out of touch for so long I’d love to hear about that little bun in your oven. And well, we’ve got to get those elevator pitches started for conference season. Hard labor, I know, but let’s hear some teasers about the next round of up-and-coming best-sellers. :)

Love and thanks for all the prayers and support!

-Amy & Eisley

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Amy Leigh Simpson writes Romantic Suspense that is heavy on the romance, unapologetically honest, laced with sass and humor, and full of the unfathomable Grace of God. She is the completely sleep deprived mama to two little tow-headed mischief makers and wife to her very own swoon-worthy hero. Represented by the oh-so-wise and dashing Chip MacGregor of MacGregor Literary Inc.

Hooray for Writer Mamas

In honor of Mother’s Day this weekend, this post is in celebration of writing moms. And what better way to whoop it up than to quote from one of my favorite standbys when it comes to writing advice, Writer Mama by Christina Katz.

A most excellent chapter in Writer Mama is titled, Practicing Good Boundaries. As all burp cloth totin’, diaper changin’, and/or homework helpin’ moms know, boundaries are a must if we want to pump out more than ten words a day.

In her book, Christina gives four crucial nuggets of wisdom:

Set Limits on Your Time and AvailabilityShe encourages moms to practice before dreaded deadlines are in the picture. It’s worth it to get in the groove of scheduling in writing time now.

Ask for Help When You Need ItSpousal support. A last minute call to friend to babysit. Honest communication with an editor. Tapping in to any one of these sources can help the writer mama accomplish her goals.

Share a Bit about What You DoHelp others understand what your job as a writer and a mama entails. Many people have no idea how hard writer mamas work in order to balance their load.

Filters and Routines Help (love this suggestion)

“A filter is a method of channeling your workflow to the appropriate place when it comes in, so you can ignore it until you need it and then find it easily when you are ready for it.”

I can’t say enough good things about this tip. It’s a surefire way to prioritize and to work toward efficiency.

For an example of routine, Christina suggests checking email only at certain times.

What has helped if you, if you juggle being both a writer and a mama?

So, have at it, give a congratulatory pat on the back to the writer mamas out there. Set those boundaries, and as always, write on!

*Now, if I’d been a smidge less busy, I would have put on my thinking cap and would have contacted Christina directly to give her the heads up I was writing this post. She rocks. Truly rocks. And I recently read on a blog comment that she played rugby making her that much cooler in my book.

**mom & baby photo from Flickr

This Mama's Writing Habits

During an over-excited attempt to get my wip out of my head onto paper (10,000 words in a weekend), I  noticed some habits adding to my wrestling match towards success.
It makes me laugh to see my same habits as a writer, appear in my other passion in life, motherhood.

The Mom: I can talk myself blue in the face as I reason with my little 8 year old lawyer when he is in trouble, and threaten him with consequences. I feel like a poorly educated psychologist sometimes. Instead of the long debate, I could just show him my stance- give him his consequence. I am the grown-up...right?
The Writer: The poorly educated psychologist creeps into my writing when I overly explain my character's motives. Instead, I could just show it in an active way. When I dissect their motive and their many possible thoughts, I find my head spin!
The Mom: “Why do you ALWAYS...”, “I have never...” and my most ashamed saying of all, “Gosh Almighty!”( Seriously how is that not the same as what it implies??)
 My effectiveness goes out the window...and worse off, my words get in the way of  my purpose as their mother, to let God's light shine through! I will say though, there are some things worth repeating... "Do unto others," "Keep your hands to yourself", "Don't sit on your brother's head..."

The Writer: 
My, my, I use the same sentence structure, adverbs (dun-dun-duuunn), and boring verbs an AWFUL lot! My writing's effectiveness decreases with one too many "howevers".
 Some words that give me fits are:

Just, really, seemed, surely, often...

Just as I thought it seemed necessary, my poor writing surely proved to hinder me, and I often found myself editing instead of really getting ahead in my wip.
Okay, for my own reputation...I never (ha) get this bad, but sometimes I find “just” at the beginning of too many sentences, I use “really” to emphasize a little too often, and “seemed” creeps its way in, especially when I write in first person and have to describe her view of other characters.

Now, I am not saying that all these things are necessarily bad, but if they aren't noticed by me, the writer, and I allow them to flood my story, the main theme and most importantly, the inspiration God gave me in the first place, would be diluted.

My boys and me...The crazy sunglass styles...what was I thinking?

And as a mother, if I also don't choose my words carefully, and limit my psycho-babble, I lose my children's respect and ultimately give them a poor impression of the God I am suppose to be representing in their lives!
Do you have any writing habits that are a constant challenge as you move forward in your wip?