The Grief of Expectations

If you knew me in my every day life, you might know that I am grieving.

Actually, if you lived in my house, you might know this--I haven't really shared it with anyone but my husband.

The thing is, I am not really mourning anything that existed. I am not mourning an actual loss. Strange, right?

I remember grieving when my grandfather passed away, and then both of my grandmothers. That was this grieving encapsulated in fond memories, the knowledge of all that life finally laying down to rest. That was an expected grieving.

We all expect to grieve the loss of those near to us.

But I didn't expect this grief in my present time.

I didn't expect to grieve such a self-inflicted pain. I am grieving the expectations that have suddenly lost their hold on me--the false hope that has gripped me all these years as a mother.



I remember holding my little son in my arms after that first hour of his life. So many expectations for him, but mostly for me as his mother. And over these years, expectations have been borrowed, imposed, forced, and strived for.

Now, he's fourteen, and most days, I want to crawl in a corner and grieve the shattered pieces of all that expectation for something that will never be. I am not the mom I want to be. Everything is different. It's like I am waking up to someone else's life. And I don't know what to do with it.

Expectations are these tricky things. They kindle hope and excitement when first born in the mind of the dreamer. Now, those expectations are stabbing me with their pointy shards and reminding me that they were more toxic than real. In my grief, I step out of this dead shell and realize that those expectations are just trapping me.

I felt this way last year as an author, when I realized that the book I'd put so much hope in--and even my identity in--to be quite honest--was going to sit stagnant for a good long while. It would NOT be my starting point into a best-seller's career. It would not define me as I may have thought--it was not my entry into the publishing world.

Oh but I just LOVE that story. My heart skips a beat every time I dwell on the plot, and the character, and the theme. Just like my arms tingle when I catch a glimpse of my children fitting the shape of that broken expectation, even for a brief moment.

Expectations are horrible, wonderful things. For the even-tempered, they are nice gauges. But for the over-emotional, wildly-dreaming, perfectionist me, they are my greatest life-stealer.

Do you have a book that is lying there, in a grave of unmet expectation? Is this whole writing thing nothing you hoped for and now you're stuck trying to find breath again?

You aren't alone. It's a tough place to be--this side of dead expectations. I remind myself that I need to wipe away the tears that I've shed as a very fallible mother and wake up to this reality. My life isn't starting over, it's growing toward authenticity and assurance that I can't do this thing alone. God's given me children who are gifts in a different way than I could ever expect. And God's given me to my children. He knows what's ahead, and my only hope (expectation) is in His willingness to guide me and fill in the gaps.

And, oh...there are so many gaps that I leave as a very human mother.

It's just the same as those stories we love. If there is anything we need to expect, it's for the grief to end and new life to begin in a new story with a new purpose. And that God's got this. Our only hope is Him, because He's our breath of inspiration, right? So why do we fall in love with the story more than the Creator of the inspiration? Those crazy human expectations just need to die.

Walking away from the season of mouring, I must place my hope in an ever grace-filled God, knowing that in Him, my future for myself and my family is secure. And I place my hope in His will for that story. While my own expectations for it are gone, the story's not a loss. Just waiting for a gap to be filled.

Just like yours.

All in His time--The only true expectation.

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Angie Dicken is a full-time mom and lives in the Midwest with her Texas Aggie sweetheart. An ACFW member since 2010, she writes historical, historical romance, and dabbles in contemporary romance. Her debut historical romance novel, published by Barbour, will come out in November 2017, and her Harlequin Love Inspired Historical novel comes out in Spring 2018. Angie is represented by Tamela Hancock Murray of The Steve Laube Agency. Come hang out with me on social media!

Facebook: www.facebook.com/dicken.angie, 

Twitter: @angiedicken
Pinterest: pinterest.com/agdicken

What if... I fail?

I struggled with what to write that would reach people in this time of such division. Some are hopeful, others cynical, and yet others still are angry. When I looked back over this post from one year ago, I knew if we could just put our swords down and be vulnerable about our fears instead of casting stones, we might just find we had common ground all along. This here was me being transparent about the fear of the unknown. Rest in knowing we are never without hope. In fact, we are in very good hands. <3

Whenever something is closely tied to your heart it has power over you. No matter how tight the threads of those big, beautiful dreams are woven in, they are still suspended over this vulnerable space where they cling with more fortitude than the delicate wisp should realistically have.

Despite the strength and determination behind them, dreams are fragile things. In most cases working towards the fulfillment, daunting and disheartening as it may be, is considerably less scary than reaching the summit. Once you're there it may look different than you imagined, or perhaps the view simply exposes how very far down you have to fall.

There's no going back. You're there. You've poured your heart and all those expectations out. You've bled and cried and stumbled and picked yourself back up for the uphill battle and then... you've made it. The point of no return where you will either lift off and soar to fulfilling those dreams or you'll struggle against the wind until you realize your wings don't quite cut it at that altitude. And then what?

It was so much safer on the ground, wasn't it? And even on the climb you still had your feet firmly on the ground, working your muscles at your own pace, taking a breather when you felt the strain.

Personally, I've always placed high expectations on myself. And each dream got my all, even when it eventually withered away and opened my heart to a new adventure. But right here, standing on the precipice of my very first book release, the excitement and anticipation are warring for the top seat, but there's also that worry that nips at their heels. And we all know that worry is just a prettied up name for the real culprit.

Fear.

Fear of failure. Fear of having to start again. Fear of seeing your dream plummet, taking all the hope and heart you invested back to the bottom to begin the arduous journey all over again.

Because let's face it, not all writers are going to become published authors. Not all published authors succeed. And even once successful authors can lose their clout. We can't all be the #1 Bestseller. And even the top dog will be knocked off his pedestal eventually, right?

Man, this is sounding pretty depressing, isn't it? Why dream at all? Why put yourself out there and risk the fall?

Ah, but you see, in the oddest way that is the beauty of it. The mystery. Nothing worth having comes easy. And very often the struggle makes the reward that much sweeter. Your "what if"... would be one of regret. Of never knowing because you never tried.

So to keep things in perspective I want to ask you this... What does failure look like to you? Or better yet... What is your measure of success? Because until you decide what it is you are aiming for you might decide that your summit isn't quite as scary as it seems. Maybe dreaming big doesn't have to come with all that fear. Because what I know for certain is that perfect love casts out fear. And that dream you have been nurturing... it has a purpose. That purpose may not be to make you a million dollars. That purpose might be to touch one person's life. It might be to touch yours. Without even knowing it, sometimes my own words come back and minister to my own hurts and insecurities. Sometimes I teach my self a lesson I was too stubborn to hear until I spelled it out on paper in plain English. Other times I simply love getting lost in where the story takes me, regardless of how marketable or profitable that story might be. My measure of success has more to do with doing something I love than proving to the world that I can make a living doing it. Sure, it'd be nice to have it all. But sink or swim, I'm where I want to be.

So you see... here I am at the summit. I'm braced for flight. Passion blazing in my heart so fierce it could launch me to space. And yet I'm still praying through the doubts that swamp me with every peek over that steep edge. Still making sure I've got my emergency landing gear on standby. The first aid kit at the ready to patch up for the next stretch if need be. But no matter where I land, I know that the journey has been more than worth it. Because I LOVE this. Not the doubts. But the story. Even mine, walking up that mountain. I'd walk it all over again, and maybe I will. But I'm not gonna let the "what if" ruin the exhilaration of catching air for the first time. Because what if I keep on flying. Stretch your wings. Enjoy the rush. And let tomorrow worry about itself.

Happy flying!


<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

Amy Leigh Simpson is the completely exhausted stay-at-home mama to the two wild-child, tow-headed toddler boys, one pretty little princess baby, and the incredibly blessed wife of her hunky hubby.

She writes Romantic Suspense chalked full of grace that is equally inspiring, nail-biting, and hilarious. And a little saucy! Okay fine, a lot saucy. :) She is a member of ACFW, and now uses her Sports Medicine degree to patch up daily boo-boos. Her greatest ambitions are to create stories that inspire hope, raise up her children to be mighty warriors for Christ, invent an all-dessert diet that works, and make up for years of sleep deprivation. 

Look for her debut novel WHEN FALL FADES out NEXT FRIDAY October 30th with WildBlue Press!

 

A Writer's Silver Lining... (And mine--BONUS book cover reveal!)

It's no secret that the publishing industry is a volatile beast. Like most everything, it's in constant flux. Some houses stay hot while others close their doors. Certain genre's trend while others dwindle. Bestsellers lose their readers and some newbie breaks into the box-office. Nothing about it is simple. Not pursing publishing. Not getting a contract. And most definitely not publishing a book.

I know what the pre-pubbers are thinking... how hard could it be? So tough to be YOU. With all those book deals and five star reviews! Meanwhile I'm over here churning out gold no one will ever read!

It's impossible not to compare, but being a mother taught be something very important.

Every age has it's challenges. And on the flip side, every stage has it's unique joys.

When you bring home your first newborn you are faced with the looming unknown and lots of untried muscles. You may think you're prepared since you've read all the parenting books about feeding schedules and consistency, about how you'll avoid all those parenting pitfalls like too much sugar or TV. How you'll discipline and it'll work the first time. How you'll be calm and tender and never yell or spank. Until you discover the truth: that terrifying little angel couldn't care less about your plans. He'll sleep all day and scream all night. He'll get colic, or reflux, or violent diaper rashes. He might hate even the slightest wet diaper, only like to sleep in your arms, require constant movement, spit up most of his feeding all over your admittedly disgusting hair and down your last clean shirt. You barely have time to shower off the spit up, much less blow dry your hair since the baby HEARS everything and what had once been a relaxing indulged of blissfully hot spray and sweet smelling soaps, becomes a sprint to scrub and rinse before disaster strikes.

Then again, infant snuggles are heart-melters. There's almost nothing like that tiny peanut curled up on your chest. They're so light, and portable. Their meals are no brainers. They don't talk back. Or fast pitch a flashlight at the flatscreen TV (Ahem, fact or fiction?) And they do sleep. A LOT! It's kind of amazing how much you can do when you have 3 or 4 solid naptimes to work around, that is... IF you can muster the energy to lift your arms much less coordinate your whole body to task.

You might bring home a second baby. Now you have not one infant, but perhaps an infant and a toddler. A toddler who doesn't remember to stay quiet when the baby is sleeping. A toddler who becomes this hulking threat to that infants safety when they whip their toy across the room like a torpedo. A tot who wants mommy to hold them instead of the baby. Who now needs constant attention, and takes maybe one measly catnap. Who complains about the food you prepared or who can find the most dangerous thing in even the most baby-proofed home the moment you turn your back. How much easier was it when that baby couldn't move and get into EVERYTHING? You could plop them down under their mobile and 30 seconds, 5 minutes, an hour later, they will still be right where you left them.

But they don't tell you they love you. They don't sing silly songs and dance around the kitchen with you. They don't draw you reallllly pretty pictures of what they think you look like. :) They don't run and throw their arms around you with abandon.

Every stage has it's challenges and joys. And it's important to remember that every stage has BOTH challenges AND joys. They really are never mutually exclusive.

When I look back now I think, what on earth was so hard about taking care of ONE infant? Piece of cake! Try taking care of a whole tribe of children each at a different stage of finding your hot spots and testing every ounce of your patience and endurance. They WILL get past that phase, you tell yourself, but once they do you'll remember things you miss about that very time you couldn't wait to be over.

There are times when it's so much easier and freeing to write without deadlines and expectations. I remember those times. I was frustrated that no one had recognized my "talent" but the escape there was limitless. You pray for the day you'll be lucky enough to have deadlines because that means you'll be past all the "hard stuff." But even though there are wonderful things to experience in the editing and torturing of your lovingly-crafted words, there are also new challenges to face. More pressure. More distractions. More expectations, and not just yours.

I'd encourage you, wherever you are at, to not only power through, but to look for those silver linings that make each phase of walking out your dreams undoubtedly WORTH IT! It won't be easy, and you won't always be happy, but for everything there is a season. And before you know it, you'll be watching your babies leave the nest, get married, have babies of their own.

Maybe even book babies. And because I'm about to bring my second one home, I'll share my silver lining...

 

Wait for it...

TADA!!! The cover I LOVED! That's a win, right there! Thank you to all of you who voted, no matter which cover you chose. FROM WINTER'S ASHES is now set to release on June 7th! Hope you check it out!!!!

From Winter's Ashes:

If you can trust your enemy with your life, what’s to stop him from stealing your heart?

Hopelessly unlucky in love and a target for tragedy, Joselyn Whyte hardly leads the charmed life you’d expect of an heiress. When she becomes the mark of an arsonist, the last person she expects to ride to her rescue is her nemesis—the man who sealed her fate as a frigid and lonely “Snow Whyte.”

Firefighter Finn Carson might talk a big game, but behind the swagger and the dimples is a man tormented by a mistake that cost a life. When a force stronger than his stubbornness pulls him off the bench and into a 5-Alarm fire for a miraculous save, Finn decides the key to his redemption lies with the Ice Princess he loathes. But the price to freedom from the guilt and nightmares might be too steep if it means bartering with Joselyn’s father by posing as her boyfriend—her safety and the ruthless billionaire’s Senatorial campaign hanging on the combustible edge of a decade old grudge. 

When secrets from the past resurface, the ruse and reality collide and threaten to thaw their heated rivalry—turning hate into something that terrifies them even more than the cunning predator with a bent sense of justice.

The Pitfalls of a Self-Imposed Deadline

on FreeDigitalPhotos by Stuart Miles

My family and I drove from Iowa to North Carolina back to Iowa again in a week...so I decided to post an oldie, but one that still applies to me at this very moment! Hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving!

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From the time we enter a classroom at the early age of five, we begin to set our feet toward goals...goals to learn the alphabet and sightwords, goals to climb across the monkeybars and jump off swings.

As we grow, we make goals for good grades and fitness tests, goals to get the lead in the play or make the team. Some of us made the goal to be an author way way way before we could even read a full-length novel...Goals, goals, goals.

While many of us were given goals by our teachers, our parents, our advisors, as we trek along in the great wide world on our own—without a publishing contract, perhaps without an agent-- we are sole initiators of our goals. During this process, we all have certainly stumbled upon a type of goal that can motivate us or trip us up, or both:

The self-imposed deadline.

Even the mention of it makes me shudder.

Not that it's bad.

No. It's what gives us the edge most of the time. It's the symptom of an inner drive to make ourselves competitive and productive. A self-imposed deadline is usually a stepping stone to reaching that next level on our journey.

It's the polished entry for a contest... x number of days before to be sure you have it just right.

It's the tweaked proposal ready for your agent's eyes when you are ready to reveal your next idea.

It's that date to finish that final sentence of a manuscript you just know will get you a contract.

It's the date YOU'VE committed to in your heart, without the suggestion from anyone else, without the expectation of anyone else. It's YOUR timeline for YOUR journey, crafted on YOUR very own.

on FreeDigitalPhotos by photo stock

So why does it make me shudder? Why? When self-motivation is often key to keep going forward on this rigorous writing journey?

Because, I have landed heart first in the pitfalls of self-imposed deadlines, and know that they are a very tricky and sensitive type of goal-setting. 

• First, there is a chance that a deadline like this might rush you by key points in the writing process. 
• Second, you risk the chance of unreasonable expectations on those who play on the receiving end of your met goal.

Pitfall #1:  Missed Opportunities- When I had a project in college, I would brainstorm quickly and focus in on the first idea that came to mind. I took it and ran. I would get so deep in the project with that focus on my original idea, that I didn't take the time to entertain other options. If I did come up with something else, I was usually too far into the project and too close to the actual deadline to change anything. I'd look around at my classmates projects and remember that even thought they were slow to start, their final products were strong ideas with well-thought out execution...sometimes mine lacked those things.

As a writer, I often catch myself zoning into a self-imposed deadline, trucking along on a story, and feeling the pressure of the deadline pushing me past any idea that might hold me back from my goal a few days, weeks, or even months. When we force ourselves to stick to a self-imposed deadline, we can forget the fluidity of such a goal, and miss the maturing process of newborn ideas and complex building blocks that might slow us down, but give us a more refined (and desirable) product in the end.

Pitfall #2:  Expectations of the Un-expecting- If I finished a project before the deadline, I could hardly expect my professors to set aside time to grade it and critique it ahead of the rest of the class. It just doesn't work that way. Just because I might have reached my goal, doesn't mean that everyone affected by it are waiting on the edge of their seats to pat me on the back.

This is something that can drive me absolutely batty in the writing world. You mean, I spent all this time working on this manuscript or proposal, and have urged my crit partner to abide by my deadline (and she is so great at getting it back to me), and I sent it to my agent (I so appreciate her responsiveness as she is very quick in sending it on when it's ready)...but the receivers aren't anxious to meet me at my next self-imposed goal of a contract by such and such date? WHAT??? 

Crickets...a rejection here and there...and more crickets.

But I wanna, but I said, but I set a...hmph.

on FreeDigitalPhotos by Clare Bloomfield

The risk of weighting these self-imposed deadlines so heavily, is that we expect others to step in line with them and play the game OUR way. And more often than not, we will be sorely disappointed. We are placing undue expectations on people and situations we cannot control.

Self-imposed deadlines drive us, but they can also drive us CRAZY if we let them become the steadfast rule. Remember, a self-imposed deadline should be fluid and adjusted according to your creative process and life circumstance. And always remember, that a self-imposed deadline is only imposed by you, so don't expect everyone else to mark their calendars too!

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Angie Dicken is a full-time mom and lives in the Midwest with her Texas Aggie sweetheart. An ACFW member since 2010, she has written five Historical Romance novels, has a Historical underway, and is represented by Tamela Hancock Murray of The Steve Laube Agency. Angie also spends her time designing one-sheets, selling Jamberry Nail Wraps, and drinking good coffee with great friends. Check out her author page at www.facebook.com/dicken.angie and her personal blog at angiedicken.blogspot.com 

The View from the Sky-- Learning How to Wait Expectantly

This year, my ACFW conference experience did not go as expected.

You may have seen me like this:




Or with my handy crutch:





I actually don't have any pictures of my black boot because my friends knew better than to take any full-length shots! But you can use your own imagination. We're talking shin-length, black padding, lots of velcro. Much better than a cast. Much more disappointing than regular shoes.

I tried to make the best of my broken foot. Really, I did. I hobbled around to workshops and appointments, and my sweet Alley Cat friends got me ice and pushed me around in that wheelchair any time we went outside the hotel. I smiled a lot and tried to pretend everything was normal.

But let's face it. You can only ignore a broken bone--any kind of brokenness, really--for so long.

After a day or two, the fatigue began to catch up with me. I felt tired, worn-down, and weary. I just wanted the whole typical conference experience. I wanted to walk up to my editor appointments like a normal person, and to sashay down to Starbucks afterwards with a spring in my step. Not an ill-balanced hobble.

This general fatigue began to affect my usual fighting attitude. I generally take challenges head-on. But brokenness began to get the best of me, and doubts crept in. Did I pitch my novel with enough clarity? Did I inspire enough enthusiasm? Did I leave an impression with those I came into contact with, aside from being known as the broken-foot girl?

The problem with all these questions is they're I-centered.

Have you ever noticed that brokenness has a way of zapping our strength? That it blatantly attacks the promises of God in our lives? It tells us if we keep reaching toward our dreams, we may end up even more broken. Before long, we start considering whether we've really got what it takes to get all the way to our dreams. But the thing is, we don't have it in us.

We can not accomplish the will of God in our lives, the dreams He has given us, on our own accord. They're too big. Too full of beauty. That's the whole point. So it's no wonder we get tired trying.

What if the point of this whole writing gig isn't doing it well enough, but being the person God desires us to become? What if He isn't asking for results, but for intimacy with us?

Now, flash forward a few days to my trip home. I had this brief moment in the airplane when I looked out the window, and felt a stab of panic about being stuck in the air. I'm not usually one to get super nervous on airplanes, but for some reason, the idea of being stuck inside of one made me so uneasy. I wanted out. I wanted to get where I was going.

Are you feeling panic about your writing, like you may be "stuck in the air," so to speak? Let me encourage you that just like airplane travel, you're not actually stuck at all. Just because you're not "there" yet does not mean you're not making progress. Sometimes the landscape below is just difficult to discern. But God has your journey mapped out, and He knows where you're going next.

You are in transit. You may not be there yet, but you are on the way. You're a little closer now than you were yesterday. And that's something to get excited about.



Learn to enjoy where you are in this journey. When we recognize the beauty all around us--the beautiful heights of the sky we're flying through--we can look to the future with expectancy.

If we're always hanging our hearts on achievement, we will never feel satisfied. But if we allow hope to fill our expectations, we can enjoy each step of the journey as we recognize the beauty of our moments.

Though this conference experience was different for me, and though I came away with a foot that was still broken, I learned something very important, and that is this: God is comfortable with our brokenness. He really doesn't mind. See, He can work through it, even when we feel like we're at the end of our rope. So if you are feeling tired today, or your heart is weary, don't try to keep going on your own strength. Instead, give it to Him. Allow Him to take the responsibility of making His promises happen. You were never created to carry such a heavy burden yourself.

Have you ever found yourself weary or discouraged about your writing journey? How do you fin beauty in the journey and wait expectantly for the promises of God to come to pass?

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Ashley Clark writes romantic comedy with southern grace. She's dreamed of being a writer ever since the thumbprint-cookie-days of library story hour. Ashley has an M.A. in English and enjoys teaching literature courses at her local university. She's an active member of ACFW and runs their newcomer's loop. When she's not writing, Ashley's usually busy rescuing stray animals and finding charming new towns. You can find Ashley on her personal blog, Facebook, Pinterest, and Twitter. She is represented by Karen Solem.

Expect the .... what?

Expectations.

We all have them. Personally, I "expected" to be home this week with my whole family. Instead Annabelle is still stuck in the hospital, back in the ICU no less.

Our readers will have expectations too. And if you don't meet them or exceed them, you will make them just as grumpy as I have been this week. The only difference is, they can snub your books, talk bad about them, and never buy them again. I, on the other hand, can't snub the hospital or never go there again! I guess I could talk bad about them... but it isn't their fault and they've taken great care of my baby, so I guess that would be mean! *sigh*

Sherrinda did a great post on expectations based on names earlier this week.

But what other kind of expectations might readers have for your books?

GENRE

Imagine if you are a John Grisham reader, and pick up his next novel, open the book, and out comes a sordid pure romance.

Or if you are a Nora Roberts reader and pick up her next novel, and it is a spy thriller with no romance at all.

Extreme examples, I know, but you get the point. As your name becomes your brand, your readers begin to trust you to give them something.

I'm not saying you can't publish in multiple genres. Many do. Good friend of mine in my local writer's group, Kaye Dacus, publishes both historical and contemporary romances. But she has established that those are what she writes, and we trust her with that.

There are also some authors who "switch" genres, and that's okay too, most of the time. Although I think Nora Roberts should question her sanity if she switched to writing Sci-Fi or something like that:-) I mean... maybe... but...

STYLE

Imagine you read Mary Connelly's books and you start reading it, only to be crying from the drama in the first chapter, and at "the end" you've cried only sad tears, and none from laughter.

Or you pick up a Francine River's book and get the giggles on the first page. (Okay, this might actually be cool!)

Personally, I write funny. Others write dramatic. Still others lace their novels in page-turning suspense. And others specialize in spicing up their style and giving their readers something unique each time, and the uniqueness becomes their own style. Whatever it is, your style is something your readers come to expect and desire. Change it up with caution and care.

TRADEMARK

Some authors have little trademarks they leave for their readers. Like dog lovers might make sure they have some type of dog in ever book. Or cat. Or turtle. Or chicken. Or a one-eyed science research rat. While I don't think it is quite as important of an expectation to meet (especially if the rat is your trademark...), if you set it, try to keep it!



What about you?

Are there any expectations that you want your readers to have when they read your books? Or do you think the whole idea of "expectations" is unfair and limits your artistic creativity?