Casey here: Earlier in January the Writer's Alley hosted a very first: the chance to have the first 1,000 words of the winner's story critiqued by Rachel Hauck, awarding winning author and My Book Therapist. Below you will find the winner's pitch and excerpt and Rachel's comments highlighted in the blue. Rachel gives some great comments that apply to all stories, not just this one and is a great learning experience. Thanks to both our winner and Rachel for giving of her time for our learning experience!
Winning pitch!:
When a confirmed bachelor inherits his sister's
four kids, he knows he can't do it all on his own.
But he can't mail order a bride - can he find one on Craigslist?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Prologue
*Andrew*
They looked like stair-step angels.
Towheads. With big blue eyes. Their mother's eyes. Their father's hair.
Sitting there.
Staring at me.
What did I know about being a dad?
Nothing.
I was cool Uncle Andrew. Flew in at
Christmas. Sent fun stuff on birthdays. Promised ski trips for the teen years.
I'd sworn off ever having a family of my
own. ((RH: GREAT hint at the hero’s issue, story question and what this book is going
to be about. Love the quick opening!))
But now I'd inherited one. ((RH: Good. This is
the problem. He doesn’t want a family and now he’s inherited one. We’re
intrigued because we want to know how it happened and what he’s going to do
about it?))
Guests around me murmured words I didn't
hear, much less understand. ((RH:Ăź
Seems weird to me he hears murmured words but then you write “I didn’t hear.”
He heard something, Reword this??)) I could only stare at the lives that now
depended on me.
"Unca An'rew?" ((RH: This is a rule
of mine and I think it’s a good one. If you’re writing young kids, use sentence
structure to show broken speech, young speech or dialect. Misspelling words is
awkward and often jerks the reader a bit.))
My Daisy Girl. A flower in the rain.
That's what she reminded me of. "Yes, Emma?"
"Where're we gonna go?" There
was a tell-tale quiver of her bottom lip. She was trying to be strong and
brave. ((RH: Can you weave in here the children’s ages?)) I wasn't sure who had told
them they needed to be, but someone had. All any of them wanted to do was cry.
I'd lost my parents at twenty-five and it was all I'd wanted to do. How much
more so for a four-year-old? ((RH: Ăź
put in earlier.))
"With me, Daisy Girl."
"But you don't have room."
Tyler looked more sullen. At six, he understood better than the others.
"I'll find room. A new place. I
have to move for work anyway so we'll get a place big enough for all five of
us."
I hadn't thought this through. I was
moving from Phoenix to Springfield, Missouri in a matter of weeks. The kids
belonged in Charlotte, North Carolina. Where Ally and I had grown up. Their
paternal grandparents had volunteered to take them until I could figure things
out, but there was no one else and I'd promised Ally. They couldn’t do it
full-time. I was the only relative. No other aunts or uncles. No cousins. No
best friends willing to step up.
((RH: I like this set up. Can you slow down a
bit and give a bit more emotion and detail. Or have someone come up to our
hero, Andrew, perhaps the in-laws and have some of this in dialog.
Both the father and mother of the
children died? How did Andrew promise Ally he’d take the children? We’re
getting great information here but slow down, give a bit more detail about the
death. It’s not back story IF it relates to the current scene. And it does.))
Just me.
Perpetually single Uncle Andrew. ((RH: Is this
his choice? Hint of a fear or regret here?))
And a judge had even okayed it.((RH: <--
Okay him being perpetually single? :-) )) Thought it was a good idea even. ((RH: Rearrange the sentence to be in a more logical order.))
"We hafta move?" Tears filled
Emma's eyes.
I nodded. ((RH: Ăź
Instead of “I nodded,” show more action. “I scooped her up in my arms. I’ll
keep you safe baby Emma. I’ll do what I have to do. I will. No backing out on
this one.” Something like that “shows” the scene better. Nodding, smiling,
laughing, etc are good and we need those but use them sparingly. In this scene
we need more of Andrew’s movements. Also, if you add a few lines like I
suggested, the reader will see he’s trying to overcome a fear, a bad habit, an
immaturity that we know will cause him troubles later. :-) )) "I'm sorry, sweetie, but yes. But it'll
be okay. We'll get a big house with a yard and friends nearby, okay?" I
prayed I could deliver on that promise. I was getting a raise and everything
was cheaper in that part of the country. Surely, I could swing a decent house. ((RH: Ăź This is good. But maybe something you
could add to the dialog part with the in-laws over where they were going to
live. This is “surface” detail that the story needs. BUT not worth internal
thought. That can be said “Out loud.” But internal thought, about his fears,
his resolve, his doubts, add a deeper layer of emotion and can be told in
internal thought. People are more likely to speak out surface details while
holding onto personal thoughts.))
"MeeMee and PaPaw are going to stay
here for a few weeks. I can't stay for Thanksgiving, but I'll call you every
night and then we'll move together. We'll be together by Christmas. Okay?"
((RH: I’m not sure where we are? Are we in
North Carolina? Time of day? Time of year? We need a bit more story world.))
Emma nodded then broke ranks. She ran to
me, flung her little arms around my neck and the body-wracking sobs began. ((RH: Ăź
Good!)) I folded her into my embrace, tears leaking down my own cheeks.
Three-year-old Colby scrambled onto the couch next to me. ((RH: Ăź Are there three children? I was
thinking only two?)) I expanded my reach to include my nephew. Through
tear-filled eyes, I could see Tyler sitting on the other couch. And Kalie was
barely a year. She had no idea what was going on.
"I jus' wan' my mama and daddy
back." Emma's whisper broke my heart.
"I know, punkin. I know."
((RH: Love
this premise. Love this opening. We have immediate empathy for the hero as well
as the children. ))
Work on adding story world and the five senses. What time
of day? What does the breeze smell like? What sounds? Where are they? Time of
year?
You did a good job with pacing, but I think you could
slow down a bit and add some layers, weave in some internal emotion.
We have a good glimpse of his obstacles and insecurities,
but can you beef those up? Why hasn’t he settled down? What do the children
mean to his life, his job? They provide a huge obstacle to what he wants.
As you develop the opening pages, we need to get a
glimpse at what this story is going to be about and what Andrew’s journey will
entail. So: What does he want?
I can see his dilemmas. His struggle. But I’m not sure
what he wants.
Greatest fear needs to conflict with his secret desire.
For example: If his greatest fear is failure on every
level – relationships, work, with God, but his secret desire is to be at peace,
to love, to be secure enough to fail, then what problems do inheriting his
sister’s children cause? How do they highlight his fear but tap on his desire.
If he’s all about himself and his work, then inheriting
children would be a big source of emotional turmoil. Yet, we get a glimpse of
his love for them.
You have all the pieces in place. Love it! Nice writing
too! Now, rewrite and ramp up the tension, the obstacles and the hint of the
journey.
Good job!!! Thank you for letting My Book Therapy have a
shot at your piece. J
Rachel
Thank you, Rachel! It was a privilege to have you here on the Alley and we are so glad we can learn from your expertise!