Contest Entries: Cleaning Those Babies Up

Hi there! The weekend was filled with swim meets, fundraisers, writing and family, so I thought I would dig up an archived post to resonate with all the contest talk going on right now! 

Happy Monday!

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It's about that time. For a few GREAT contest opportunities out there...Namely, ACFW's Genesis Contest and the MBT Frasier.

Many of you might be tidying up those babies for contests as you read this. I know I am! And many of you might be reluctantly looking at last year's feedback, planning to tweak your entry based on “some” of that feedback.

Are you just “tweaking”?

lots of messiness in my house!

Do you go in with the mindset of taking the grammatical suggestions, the edits here and there...Maybe a misplaced comma or changing a word that's been used in the sentence above? Kinda like dabbing at a baby's food-caked face, but not really scrubbing away the mess?

Or....

Are you willing to make that BIG change...possibly rearranging entire scenes, OR, Heaven forbid, DELETING a scene altogether? Getting that big super-duty washcloth and start scrubbing? Maybe, your last feedback is a sign that the scene you love and hoped would attract the judges' favor, is not the scene for that moment in the manuscript...is not what hooks the reader after all.

freedigitalphotos.net by pod pad

Now don't get me wrong, I have certainly had some bogus feedback over the years. Don't go slashing away at your entry according to everything a judge says. You may have scrubbed that baby's face clean, and that scrutinizing mother-in-law type will still criticize (and to be clear, I have two of the best mother-in-laws, so this is pure third-party metaphor ;) ) No need to listen to that type of feedback...unless, of course, it rings true to you (insert cring and gnashing of teeth here).

BUT...

Do consider BIG changes, and DO brainstorm different starts of your chapter. This last entry I “tweaked” had me delete the first TWO scenes of my manuscript and start with a different character's POV. UGH!!!!! It was hard to do, but deep down, after receiving critiques and contest feedback over the past year, it had to be done. AND, I love it now! And I thought I LOVED it then, but just because it came out that way the first time I wrote it doesn't mean it has to stay that way.

It is art, after all.

freedigitalphotos.net by jomphong

We can start to mold the story and keep it in the perfectly simple shape that our hands first squeezed it into...OR, after smoothing it down, sloughing away the excess, we can create something more... evolve our creation to an even more beautiful work of art.

In other words...

Let's not coddle our baby so much that it never gets the chance to succeed to its fullest potential!

Let that baby GROW!!

Comment below and tell us the latest BIG changes you made to an entry or your manuscript. Have you reaped a contest win by using feedback from a previous year? Please share!

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Angie Dicken is a full-time mom and lives in the Midwest with her Texas Aggie sweetheart. An ACFW member since 2010, she has written five Historical Romance novels, has a Historical underway, and is represented by Tamela Hancock Murray of The Steve Laube Agency. Angie also spends her time designing one-sheets, selling Jamberry Nail Wraps, and drinking good coffee with great friends. Check out her author page at www.facebook.com/dicken.angie and her personal blog at angiedicken.blogspot.com 

Writing A Synopsis

If there's one thing authors hate writing, it's synopses. What is it about these things that is so difficult?

Just before the ACFW conference, my agent encouraged me to develop my book into a series concept, which is an idea I was (and am) very excited about. Problem? I haven't written the other two books. Sure, I had some ideas floating around in my head that I was excited about, but ideas and outlines are two very different things.


So I started researching online for synopsis tips and tricks. And I kept coming across these things: 1) The synopsis is dreaded.  2) All writers hate synopses. 3) Your synopsis will probably be awful writing. Just expect it.

Uh, anyone else not okay with that idea? Let's just throw in the towel before we even give it a try, shall we?

You wouldn't think it would be that hard. I mean, it's only a couple pages. I can see all sorts of areas for improvement in other authors' synopses, so I should also be able to see the same weaknesses in my own, right? Wrong.

In the past few months, if there's one thing I've learned, it's that synopses really are challenging. But they don't have to be dreaded. See, the thing about synopses that's so cool is that they offer you something very powerful, and that is a big picture approach for your book before you even write it. If you can write a well-organized, thoughtful synopsis of your story, writing your book is going to be that much easier because you'll be able to stay focused.

Today I'm compiling the information I've learned through the process of writing, rewriting, rewriting, and rewriting my synopses again. (By the way, a major shout out to Angie, who read every version of my synopsis and never threatened to ban me from her inbox, but instead offered helpful suggestions each time around!) I hope you find this to be a helpful resource for you as you work on your own synopses, and I hope it helps take a little bit of the terror out of the processes. I've adapted many of these concepts from Cami Tang's synopsis worksheet, from MBT resources, and just from my own general reactions of disgust when I realized something was really, really not working for my plot.

• The Plot Level

• External goal. Your protagonist's external goal needs to be very clear, very early on. Preferably even the first paragraph. Editors like to see that this girl knows where she's going and what she wants. This is so important because it helps pave the way for the obstacles she is going to encounter along the way.
• The inciting incident. Usually this is going to come in you first or second paragraph. What incident throws your protagonist into the story? Loss of her job? A sudden move across the country? A scratch-off lotto win? The realization she's a princess? (Sorry, couldn't resist. Who doesn't love Princess Mia?)
• Obstacles. Include two or three external obstacles that keep your heroine from reaching her goal. These need to be believable, legitimate, and clear. "She ran out of Godiva truffles and missed an important meeting because she had to go to the grocery store for more" is probably not a very good obstacle, although we can all sympathize.
• Black Moment. How does it all come crashing down? This could be one of your obstacles.
• Resolution. Be sure you show us how the plot threads connect to bring us to the ending.

• Emotional Level

• Dark moment. What moment from your character's past is holding them back? This moment should shape some kind of fear or apprehension that fights against (or perhaps further compels) their push toward their external plot goal.
• Desire. Your character needs an emotional desire that will give her motivation to climb her way past the obstacles you put in her way. In a romance, your character likely is going to desire love, yet hold herself back from a relationship with the hero because ________. This reason will relate to the dark moment, so that the desire and the resistance create a push/pull effect that draws in your reader. Also, you can relate your character's emotional desire to their desire to accomplish an external goal, thus tying together the plot and emotional threads.
• Black moment. In the same way that the black moment causes the external goal to fall apart, the black moment should also (seem to) confirm your heroine's greatest fear, thus positioning her to find the strength to conquer that fear and attain the goal (or not, but at least find closure in the process).
• Resolution. The emotional level must be resolved. Even if you don't allow the character to reach their external goal, unless you're writing literary fiction, your character should attain her emotional goal. Otherwise, readers are going to be very mad.

• Spiritual Level

• Lie. Your character needs to believe a lie throughout the book, not only about herself (i.e. she's safer not risking her heart in a relationship), but also about her faith/God. The emotional level and spiritual level can relate to each other, but they both must be clear. If you're going to sell to a CBA publisher, they are going to want to see some sort of faith journey depicted in the book. And really, isn't that why we as CBA writers have chosen to write for CBA? We should take advantage of this privilege and include the spiritual arc in our characters' journeys.
• Obstacles. Just like the plot obstacles should show setbacks and growth within the character's emotional arc, these obstacles should impact her spiritual arc as well. You want to confirm her worst fear, then force her to face it and help her get beyond it. You can utilize your external goal and obstacles to really play around with the emotional and spiritual stakes and journey. If you get stuck, think about your own life. You might think you would never face ___________, but what if you could find love, youth, or a free trip to Hawaii on the other side of that obstacle? Brainstorm some motivations that would be strong enough (on the plot level) to force your characters out of their comfort zones. 
• Healing. This is where the bring-you-to-tears moment comes in if you play your cards right. After your character goes through those obstacles--and once again, they need to be challenging, difficult obstacles--we will respect her for her strength, dignity, and courage for how she faced these challenges head on (even if not perfectly) on her quest toward her external goal. Throughout this process, God is working on her heart more and more, until finally she finds a breakthrough. The light through the clouds. Spiritual epiphany. It's really important that you include this moment of hope and spiritual healing in your synopsis so that whoever is reading your synopsis is clear about the spiritual takeaway readers will get from your story.

A few notes...

You'll want to include these elements for each of your primary characters. So if it's a romance, we'll need to see a basic plot, emotional, and spiritual arc for your hero as well as your heroine, although you'll probably want to spend more time with the heroine.

Remember to include your voice in your synopsis. You may want to write a draft where you just focus on getting all the elements in, then revise it with your own dazzle. But however you go about it, make sure the writing really shines, because this is the first taste an editor or agent has of your writing style. If you can hook them with your voice in the synopsis, then you've really accomplished something.

Try, as best you can, to play these elements off each other, so that your main characters' lies, for instance, cause problems with each other. In my most recent book, my heroine is afraid of abandonment, and my hero is afraid of being a failure/letting down the woman he loves. I'll leave you to guess what he does, and how that affects her. Try to find a way that the characters' black moments play into each other, and your story will be stronger from that irony.

Have fun! Yes, I know what you're thinking. No way is that going to happen. But all too often, we listen to all the negative buzz about synopses... they're dreaded, they're hard, and they are going to be awful. Don't adopt that defeatist perspective. Sure, brainstorming can be frustrating, but it's so rewarding to have a big picture version of your story before you've even started writing it.

Take these sections a little at a time. This is advice I am giving you from experience. It is all too easy to take on too much at once, but you'll end up frustrated. Let the ideas come to you naturally. Go to a coffee shop and eavesdrop. Imagine possibilities. Talk to your characters out loud. Pray about your characters' struggles and stories. Seek the help of those with fresh perspectives, like critique partners, mentors, and friends. When you open your mind to creative possibilities, you'll find that the ideas flow much more easily.

Have you ever written a synopsis? What did you learn through the process? What do you think is the hardest thing about writing synopses?

Three Big Takeaways from the My Book Therapy Storycrafters Retreat: Guest Post by Lindsay Harrel

I love Lindsay Harrel! So when I had the brainstorm to ask her to guest post, I knew exactly what to have her chat to us about...what else, but the My Book Therapy retreat she just attended! Now, before you join me and turn bright green with envy, this post is LIKE attending one of Susie's retreats it is so thorough. So kick back, avoid those black Friday shoppers and get to know Lindsay bit better... :-))

A few months ago, I received my first agent rejection letter. The agent said that while she liked my writing, my story and plot were not unique enough.

After a trip to Dairy Queen and about two days spent doing anything but writing (ha!), I sat down to examine what the agent had said. And you know what? She was right.

So I set out to correct my deficiency in plot and structure. I’ve been a member of My Book Therapy—an organization founded by award-winning author Susan May Warren that focuses on teaching the craft of writing—for nearly a year, but had yet to attend any of the group’s writing retreats.

I decided to change that. Last month, I attended the MBT Storycrafters Retreat in Minnesota.

Changed. My. Life. (And writing!)

The retreat was small, only about 10–15 people, and that meant I received individual attention from Susie. That woman is amazing and just so called to be a teacher. She truly cares about each person there and brainstorms like you wouldn’t believe.

At the retreat, Susie goes through the very basics of building a plot from the ground up. There is so much information crammed into your head over 48 hours, but it is all so valuable. You actually come away with a fleshed out story idea and your first scene written.

I thought I’d share with you some key points I took away from the weekend:

Character sheets aren’t enough.

Before I joined MBT, I used character sheets to get to know my characters. You know, the ones with details about what kind of car your character (we’ll call her Tina) drives, her dog’s name, and her favorite color. While those details can be important and very telling of Tina’s character and who she is, they by no means are enough.

Instead, think about what event in your character’s past (called the Dark Moment) shaped her. Make it one specific event. That event then leads to the Lie She Believes. For example, in my current work in progress, my main character Stacy’s mom broke a promise, one that leads to the death of Stacy’s dream. The lie she believes is that no one can be trusted—that you have to do everything yourself.

The lie leads to the Greatest Fear, which comes true in the Black Moment, or the big event toward the end of the novel when all heck breaks loose and the lie seems true.

See how all of these things tell us much more about a character than the car she drives? In order to figure some of these out, Susie suggested delving deeper by interviewing your character.

Storyworld can make or break a scene.

Storyworld is that all-encompassing something about a scene that puts us there and practically makes the setting like another character. I have always included little details into my scene to accomplish this, but I don’t think I was doing enough of it. Susie suggested brainstorming the following basics just before writing a scene. Spend about 10–20 minutes doing this and it will make you much more in tune with your setting and what’s going on in your scene (even pantsers can do this!):

Ask the five W's.

·         Who: What's the POV character's emotional state in 1-2 words?

·         What: What is going on around the character? What is the character actually doing in the scene? (This last question really helped me because my scenes were previously filled with lots of smiling, nodding, fists clenching, etc. Susie said to give your characters something to actually do, like peel potatoes, get ready for a party, etc.)

·         Where: Physical location, but also what is significant about this place to the character?

·         When: Time of day, time of year, etc.

·         Why: Why is the character here?

Add in the five senses.

·         Close your eyes and pretend like you're there. What do you hear?

·         What do you smell? Be as specific as you can, even giving analogies here.

·         What do you see? Pull out little significant details.

·         Taste can be a feeling (like tasting guilt or regret) or an actual taste.

·         You should only use significant touches.

I wrote a new scene at Storycrafters and sent it to my critique partner. She told me it was the best scene of mine she’s ever read because the storyworld was so vibrant and alive.

So yeah, guess it makes a difference.

First lines should put us in the character’s head.

The first line—and I’m talking about the first line of each scene, not just of the entire book—is responsible for drawing our readers in. Because of that, we want them to be powerful. Strong.

We also want them to get us in the POV character’s head.

A great trick Susie taught at the retreat was this: When you’re brainstorming your scene, close your eyes and embody your character. You’ve already thought about where she is, what she’s doing, and what else is going on around her. Now, what is she thinking? What thought is running through her mind?

That is your first line.

An example from the scene I developed at Storycrafters (technically two lines, but you get the picture):

“How had it come to this, singing in a backwoods joint that felt more like a prison courtyard than the concert hall of Kacie’s dreams? Yeah, the Lizard Lounge was definitely a far cry from the Grand Ol’ Opry.”

Your Turn: Have you ever been to a writing retreat? What takeaways did you bring home? If not, what writing tidbits have you been learning lately? Please share!

Since the age of six, when she wrote the riveting tale “How to Eat Mud Pie,” Lindsay Harrel has passionately engaged the written word as a reader, writer, and editor. She holds a B.A. in Journalism and Mass Communication and an M.A. in English. In her current day job as a curriculum editor for a local university, Lindsay helps others improve their work and hones her skills for her night job—writing inspirational contemporary fiction. Lindsay lives in Phoenix, Arizona, with her husband of six years and two golden retriever puppies in serious need of training.

Blog: http://lindsayharrel.blogspot.com/   

Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/LindsayHarrel  

Twitter: @Lindsay Harrel: https://twitter.com/LindsayHarrel

What's Up the Street Next Week? - Post Conference Peek

EVERYBODY gets nervous at conferences for one VERY important reason.
Appointments.
For our Post-Conference Vlogs, we have a great chat with the FABULOUS Edie Melson!

Check it out:




What's happenin' at the Alley next week?

Monday - Excuses, Excuses! What's Stopping You from the Dreaded Rewrite with Angie.

Tuesday - Julie brings us Beta Readers and how They Help Our Manuscripts

Wednesday - Get Techy with Karen as she posts about Time Management Apps for Writers.

Thursday - Assumptions That Affect our Creativity with Ashley.

Friday - Cindy's up with her post The Writing Road Trip : Destination Publication

Okay....fun question:

BEST or most interesting conference food you've ever had?

What's Up the Street - Post Conference Treat

For the month of October, The Writers Alley is going to be featuring video clips from the ACFW conference during the weekend posts. We have some fun clips from people like Susan May Warren, Edie Melson, Lindsay Harrell...not to mention some of the Alley Cats.
So....for our first vlog, here's Susie May! (the background noise is a little loud, but we WERE at the MBT party :-)




GREAT reminder from Susan May Warren.

Okay - so next week we have all kinds of great information from Pepper's agent story to more post- conference information to propelling readers deep into the story to a guest post with Tamara Leigh.

Make sure to stop by and visit with us and have a fabulous weekend.

Btw - what would your post-conference advice be?

Creating The Lie

Writers take time to develop their characters. They figure out their history; they give them goals; and they give them obstacles to overcome.There is a lot to character development, but I learned something new recently at My Book Therapy that completely changed the way I look at it.

Character development hinges on The Lie. You see, your hero needs to overcome something in his life. There needs to be some lie he believes that taints every part of his belief system, every action, and every thought process.

Example: In the movie Cinderella, she (Cinderella) believes the lie that she is not worthy of real love or family. She is just the servant, and she does her job while trying to find happiness and purpose in caring for the mice in the house, hopeful that one day she might be raised up as a true daughter.

The Lie must be confirmed by a Dark Moment. There must come a time when the lie your hero believes becomes reality. It is confirmed by circumstance or another characters words. This is the point when your hero resigns himself to the fact that the lie is true and lives accordingly.

Example: Cinderella is told she can attend the king's ball if she gets all her work finished and have something suitable to wear. She will be included with the family at last. Getting her work finished and decked out in a dress made by her animal friends, she joins her step-mother and step-sisters, only to be mauled by the sisters and left in tatters. She is rejected once again. She is not worthy.

The truth is hinted at. Somehow your hero needs to feel a hint of truth in their lives. They must begin to question the lie and wonder at the truth that is hinted at. Using a secondary character to do this is a great way to teach the truth.

Example: Cinderella's fairy godmother shows up and says she only needs one thing to go to the ball and enjoy the festivities. She just needs a dress...and a carriage, and livery, and so on and so on. She is worthy to go to the ball, with or without a family, and the fairy godmother is going to make sure she goes!

Another example is when the prince sends out servants with the glass slipper to find his future bride. He deems her worthy and is searching for her. She is filled with hope and excitement when she learns of this.

The Black Moment brings the Lie back into focus, forcing the hero to choose between believing the lie or choosing the truth. This is the the point of no return. It is the lowest of the lows and brings your hero to a point where he must choose. Does he believe the lie and sink back into his deluded life? Or does he choose to believe the truth, confronting the lie and pushing past it.

Example: When the servant with the glass slipper arrives at Cinderella's door, her step-mother locks her in the tower so that Cinderella couldn't claim the slipper (for the step-mother has discovered Cinderella is the one the prince is searching for). Cinderella could have just cried herself to sleep, resigned to the fact that the prince would eventually find someone who would fit into the slipper and live happily ever after. But no, she decides to fight and find a way to escape. She enlists the help of her mice friends and eventually is freed. In believing the truth that she is worthy, she has the confidence to run down the stairs in her tattered servant clothes and ask to try on the slipper. She is the one. She is worthy. She is now living in the truth.

Every book has a spiritual road, and every hero must travel on it. Whether it is a Christian book or a secular book, there is a spiritual/emotional journey that the characters experience. It is up to the the writer to give the characters the starting place and a final destination.

The Lie is the starting point. It is the basis of the journey, for the character must search for the truth and find it. That is the final destination - the Truth. It really will set them free...and satisfy your reader in the process.

What is the LIE your character believes? Why do they believe it?

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This post is brought to you by

 Sherrinda Ketchersid

Sherrinda is wife to "Pastor John" and mother to three giant sons and one gorgeous daughter. A born and bred Texan, she writes historical romance filled with fun, faith, and forever love.

How to Express Emotions in our Writing

Photo Courtesy

Back in the days when families gathered around the radio, great stories were told without visual assistance. Listeners had to see tears flow, the bellies jiggle with laughter, the blood fill an angry face through voice inflections, organs, and sound effects.

Expressing emotion over the radio teleported the listener into westerns where the Lone Ranger and Tonto saved the world, into mysteries where "Only the Shadow Knows," and into other exciting dramas and adventures. 

Any listener could picture the characters responses in their mind with clarity as a result of quality audio communication (for the day). Oddly enough, most listener's pictures differed.

Radio stories have an advantage over visual media in that it allows the listener to interpret an emotions based on their own prior knowledge. I must confess, I pictured Whit's End and Whit completely different from the Odyssey Videos! I liked my image...then again, my daughter had yet another image. (Odyssey is a Christian children's radio series by Focus on the Family). Who was wrong? No one.

How can we create scenes that project a clarity to each reader,

enabling him/her to paint vivid, independent pictures

yet each fully accurate?

A few weeks ago, I attended a My Book Therapy Monday bleacher chat class taught by Beth Vogt. her topic: Emotional Layers. During the session, Beth recommended we keep an "Emotional Journal" to add color and life to our writing.

The task:        Record a time when we experienced a given emotion.
The purpose: To capture the essence of the emotion for use in our writing.

One week later I attended a funeral for a beloved family member. I wrote in my Emotional Journal:

The experience so tore at my being, I could not speak. Tears poured in a deluge and a torrential storm ripped through my veins. Every hug from a family member or friend only brought more tears. Sorrow added an unbearable weight to my heart already void of consolation. Not one word came forward to form a sentence in my mind. As for comfort? Not a flicker. I couldn't stand. I couldn't sit. I couldn't sleep or eat. I could only cry...because I didn't know whether this beloved person went to Heaven or not. 

When at last I could record sorrow in my Emotional Journal, I realized the task was greater than I first imagined.

I recalled the family member's husband, the children, grandchildren and friends. People of different ages, genders, relationships, each having their own response.

I expanded the assignment filling pages with responses from the myriad of ages, genders, and relations. Here is one I included:

The third grade grandson playfully laughed at Grandma's home before the funeral. He sat with a watchful eye during the service. But when he stood with the older grandsons as a pallbearer he wept...uncontrollably. His light skin faded to a paler hue. With red swollen eyes, he held his grandfather's hand and walked with him to the reception hall and there they sat silently looking down at the table. Not a word, yet so many. A few moments later, he looked up at his grandfather then ran off to play.


The new task I gave myself for my Emotional Journal was not not only to write down my response to an emotion, but also the responses I observe in others; after all, my characters will differ in age, gender, race, creed, relationship, and etc.

I also chose to include my own varied responses from different ages, settings, and relationship for the emotion. My description storehouse for emotions has multiplied exponentially.

Now it's your turn. Briefly relate the experience: "new."  It can be from any time in your life, any place. Let's see how "new" can affect others differently.
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If you found any typos in today's post...sorry about that. 

Mary has moved to Michigan with her husband, closer to her three college kids. She misses the mountains of Montana, but loves seeing family more often. She writes young adult mystery/adventure Christian fiction, is honing marketing and writing skills, and loves to pen missionary and Bible adventure stories on her ministry blog, God Loves Kids.

Visit Mary at her website and her ministry blog to families: God Loves Kids. Or chat on Facebook or Twitter

Rachel Hauck with Our Pitch Winner's My Book Therapy!

Casey here: Earlier in January the Writer's Alley hosted a very first: the chance to have the first 1,000 words of the winner's story critiqued by Rachel Hauck, awarding winning author and My Book Therapist. Below you will find the winner's pitch and excerpt and Rachel's comments highlighted in the blue. Rachel gives some great comments that apply to all stories, not just this one and is a great learning experience. Thanks to both our winner and Rachel for giving of her time for our learning experience!


Winning pitch!:
When a confirmed bachelor inherits his sister's 


four kids, he knows he can't do it all on his own.

But he can't mail order a bride - can he find one on Craigslist?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Prologue

*Andrew*

They looked like stair-step angels. Towheads. With big blue eyes. Their mother's eyes. Their father's hair.

Sitting there.

Staring at me.

What did I know about being a dad?

Nothing.

I was cool Uncle Andrew. Flew in at Christmas. Sent fun stuff on birthdays. Promised ski trips for the teen years.

I'd sworn off ever having a family of my own. ((RH: GREAT hint at the hero’s issue, story question and what this book is going to be about. Love the quick opening!))

But now I'd inherited one. ((RH: Good. This is the problem. He doesn’t want a family and now he’s inherited one. We’re intrigued because we want to know how it happened and what he’s going to do about it?))

Guests around me murmured words I didn't hear, much less understand. ((RH:ß Seems weird to me he hears murmured words but then you write “I didn’t hear.” He heard something, Reword this??)) I could only stare at the lives that now depended on me.

"Unca An'rew?" ((RH: This is a rule of mine and I think it’s a good one. If you’re writing young kids, use sentence structure to show broken speech, young speech or dialect. Misspelling words is awkward and often jerks the reader a bit.))

My Daisy Girl. A flower in the rain. That's what she reminded me of. "Yes, Emma?"

"Where're we gonna go?" There was a tell-tale quiver of her bottom lip. She was trying to be strong and brave. ((RH: Can you weave in here the children’s ages?)) I wasn't sure who had told them they needed to be, but someone had. All any of them wanted to do was cry. I'd lost my parents at twenty-five and it was all I'd wanted to do. How much more so for a four-year-old? ((RH: ß put in earlier.))

"With me, Daisy Girl."

"But you don't have room." Tyler looked more sullen. At six, he understood better than the others.

"I'll find room. A new place. I have to move for work anyway so we'll get a place big enough for all five of us."

I hadn't thought this through. I was moving from Phoenix to Springfield, Missouri in a matter of weeks. The kids belonged in Charlotte, North Carolina. Where Ally and I had grown up. Their paternal grandparents had volunteered to take them until I could figure things out, but there was no one else and I'd promised Ally. They couldn’t do it full-time. I was the only relative. No other aunts or uncles. No cousins. No best friends willing to step up.

((RH: I like this set up. Can you slow down a bit and give a bit more emotion and detail. Or have someone come up to our hero, Andrew, perhaps the in-laws and have some of this in dialog.

Both the father and mother of the children died? How did Andrew promise Ally he’d take the children? We’re getting great information here but slow down, give a bit more detail about the death. It’s not back story IF it relates to the current scene. And it does.))

Just me.

Perpetually single Uncle Andrew. ((RH: Is this his choice? Hint of a fear or regret here?))

And a judge had even okayed it.((RH: <-- Okay him being perpetually single? :-) ))  Thought it was a good idea even. ((RH: Rearrange the sentence to be in a more logical order.))

"We hafta move?" Tears filled Emma's eyes.

I nodded. ((RH: ß Instead of “I nodded,” show more action. “I scooped her up in my arms. I’ll keep you safe baby Emma. I’ll do what I have to do. I will. No backing out on this one.” Something like that “shows” the scene better. Nodding, smiling, laughing, etc are good and we need those but use them sparingly. In this scene we need more of Andrew’s movements. Also, if you add a few lines like I suggested, the reader will see he’s trying to overcome a fear, a bad habit, an immaturity that we know will cause him troubles later. :-) ))   "I'm sorry, sweetie, but yes. But it'll be okay. We'll get a big house with a yard and friends nearby, okay?" I prayed I could deliver on that promise. I was getting a raise and everything was cheaper in that part of the country. Surely, I could swing a decent house. ((RH: ß This is good. But maybe something you could add to the dialog part with the in-laws over where they were going to live. This is “surface” detail that the story needs. BUT not worth internal thought. That can be said “Out loud.” But internal thought, about his fears, his resolve, his doubts, add a deeper layer of emotion and can be told in internal thought. People are more likely to speak out surface details while holding onto personal thoughts.))

"MeeMee and PaPaw are going to stay here for a few weeks. I can't stay for Thanksgiving, but I'll call you every night and then we'll move together. We'll be together by Christmas. Okay?"

((RH: I’m not sure where we are? Are we in North Carolina? Time of day? Time of year? We need a bit more story world.))

Emma nodded then broke ranks. She ran to me, flung her little arms around my neck and the body-wracking sobs began.  ((RH: ß Good!)) I folded her into my embrace, tears leaking down my own cheeks. Three-year-old Colby scrambled onto the couch next to me. ((RH: ß Are there three children? I was thinking only two?)) I expanded my reach to include my nephew. Through tear-filled eyes, I could see Tyler sitting on the other couch. And Kalie was barely a year. She had no idea what was going on.

"I jus' wan' my mama and daddy back." Emma's whisper broke my heart.

"I know, punkin. I know."

((RH: Love this premise. Love this opening. We have immediate empathy for the hero as well as the children. ))

Work on adding story world and the five senses. What time of day? What does the breeze smell like? What sounds? Where are they? Time of year?

You did a good job with pacing, but I think you could slow down a bit and add some layers, weave in some internal emotion.

We have a good glimpse of his obstacles and insecurities, but can you beef those up? Why hasn’t he settled down? What do the children mean to his life, his job? They provide a huge obstacle to what he wants.

As you develop the opening pages, we need to get a glimpse at what this story is going to be about and what Andrew’s journey will entail. So: What does he want?

I can see his dilemmas. His struggle. But I’m not sure what he wants.

Greatest fear needs to conflict with his secret desire.

For example: If his greatest fear is failure on every level – relationships, work, with God, but his secret desire is to be at peace, to love, to be secure enough to fail, then what problems do inheriting his sister’s children cause? How do they highlight his fear but tap on his desire.

If he’s all about himself and his work, then inheriting children would be a big source of emotional turmoil. Yet, we get a glimpse of his love for them.

Rachel Hauck

You have all the pieces in place. Love it! Nice writing too! Now, rewrite and ramp up the tension, the obstacles and the hint of the journey.

Good job!!! Thank you for letting My Book Therapy have a shot at your piece. J

Rachel

Thank you, Rachel! It was a privilege to have you here on the Alley and we are so glad we can learn from your expertise!

What's Up The Street For Next Week?

From our family to yours....

We wish you a thanksgiving full of good food...

Family that crowds the table....

A heart of thanks that can not be quenched and the gift of everything you love.

With Thanksgiving this coming Thursday, I didn't have to think very hard what the theme for today would be. ;-)

Share some of your favorite Thanksgiving memories, we would love to share in them with you!

Coming up next week...

Pepper steals your Monday with  Challenge Yourself: The Journey of an Unofficial Na-No.

Take a bus ride with Sherrinda on Tuesday --it will be about writing. She promises. ;-)

Wednesday, Mary gives you a taste of each of what the Alley cats are thankful for.

Thursday, between bites of turkey, stuffing and thankful whispers to our Author, Casey has a writer's prayer.



Amongst Black Friday frenzy shopping, stop by real quick for Krista's word budgeting post-writing with the best words possible.



Sidewalk Talk....



Casey's blog party for her 2nd year of blogging is still partying on! Krista was a guest this last Friday and she still has the grand finale coming on Monday!! Not to be missed! (or at least, I hope you won't ;-)

Are you a Na-Noer? Then join the encouragement and camaraderie on the My Book Therapy forums.

Katie Ganshet launched her website on Wednesday and is launching her COVER on her blog on Monday.

And most of all...have a wonderful Thanksgiving and know we are so thankful for you!



Photo Credit



What's Up the Street For Next Week?

If you haven't noticed we really like to celebrate around here!
And what a better way to start off June than with some partying.

Out of over 100 entries, Casey Herringshaw was picked as one of six finalists in the Frasier Writing Contest given by Susan May Warren, Rachel Hauck, and Sarah Anne Sympolec over at My Book Therapy. It's a great honor and we're super proud of our youngest Alley Cat!

Winners for the Frasier will be announced at the My Book Therapy Pizza Party at ACFW in St. Louis, MO.
Good luck, Case. WOOHOOOO!!!

More news? Congrats to Patsy. She's our winner for Jeannie Campbell's Writers Guild to Creating Rich Back Stories

Now, let's look at our week, shall we?

Gotta pitch? Stop by Monday and read a little about pitches and get ready to show off your own. Pepper has roped in the support of the other Alley Cats and is going to have a Pitch & Blurb day - so bring your best, and we'll all work on them together.

School is out for most people - and that means Sherrinda too. Stop by Tuesday and check out what she has to share with us after a full year of chaos and mental exhaustion. Writing from Scratch with Sherrinda.

Wednesday Mary welcomes in a MASTER storyteller. Or at least the sage advice of a master storyteller. Stop by for a post entitled "Dear C.S. Lewis"

Our little Frasier winner - Casey, brings you some 'time management tips for the harried home writer' on Thursday. If time is NOT on your side, or you need encouragement in the midst of life's crazy twists and turns, check out this post.

Back to the writing business, with Krista's Friday post - Money & Writing: Part II. The Big Tax Debate.

Newstand:

Sarah is giving away an Amazon card on her blog this week.

Pepper's continuing her review series with A Week's Review with Deeanne Gist on her blog.