Showing posts with label mama writers. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mama writers. Show all posts

Thursday, December 1, 2016

The Grief of Expectations


If you knew me in my every day life, you might know that I am grieving.

Actually, if you lived in my house, you might know this--I haven't really shared it with anyone but my husband.

The thing is, I am not really mourning anything that existed. I am not mourning an actual loss. Strange, right?

I remember grieving when my grandfather passed away, and then both of my grandmothers. That was this grieving encapsulated in fond memories, the knowledge of all that life finally laying down to rest. That was an expected grieving.

We all expect to grieve the loss of those near to us.

But I didn't expect this grief in my present time.

I didn't expect to grieve such a self-inflicted pain. I am grieving the expectations that have suddenly lost their hold on me--the false hope that has gripped me all these years as a mother.



I remember holding my little son in my arms after that first hour of his life. So many expectations for him, but mostly for me as his mother. And over these years, expectations have been borrowed, imposed, forced, and strived for.

Now, he's fourteen, and most days, I want to crawl in a corner and grieve the shattered pieces of all that expectation for something that will never be. I am not the mom I want to be. Everything is different. It's like I am waking up to someone else's life. And I don't know what to do with it.

Expectations are these tricky things. They kindle hope and excitement when first born in the mind of the dreamer. Now, those expectations are stabbing me with their pointy shards and reminding me that they were more toxic than real. In my grief, I step out of this dead shell and realize that those expectations are just trapping me.

I felt this way last year as an author, when I realized that the book I'd put so much hope in--and even my identity in--to be quite honest--was going to sit stagnant for a good long while. It would NOT be my starting point into a best-seller's career. It would not define me as I may have thought--it was not my entry into the publishing world.

Oh but I just LOVE that story. My heart skips a beat every time I dwell on the plot, and the character, and the theme. Just like my arms tingle when I catch a glimpse of my children fitting the shape of that broken expectation, even for a brief moment.

Expectations are horrible, wonderful things. For the even-tempered, they are nice gauges. But for the over-emotional, wildly-dreaming, perfectionist me, they are my greatest life-stealer.

Do you have a book that is lying there, in a grave of unmet expectation? Is this whole writing thing nothing you hoped for and now you're stuck trying to find breath again?

You aren't alone. It's a tough place to be--this side of dead expectations. I remind myself that I need to wipe away the tears that I've shed as a very fallible mother and wake up to this reality. My life isn't starting over, it's growing toward authenticity and assurance that I can't do this thing alone. God's given me children who are gifts in a different way than I could ever expect. And God's given me to my children. He knows what's ahead, and my only hope (expectation) is in His willingness to guide me and fill in the gaps.

And, oh...there are so many gaps that I leave as a very human mother.

It's just the same as those stories we love. If there is anything we need to expect, it's for the grief to end and new life to begin in a new story with a new purpose. And that God's got this. Our only hope is Him, because He's our breath of inspiration, right? So why do we fall in love with the story more than the Creator of the inspiration? Those crazy human expectations just need to die.

Walking away from the season of mouring, I must place my hope in an ever grace-filled God, knowing that in Him, my future for myself and my family is secure. And I place my hope in His will for that story. While my own expectations for it are gone, the story's not a loss. Just waiting for a gap to be filled.

Just like yours.

All in His time--The only true expectation.

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Angie Dicken is a full-time mom and lives in the Midwest with her Texas Aggie sweetheart. An ACFW member since 2010, she writes historical, historical romance, and dabbles in contemporary romance. Her debut historical romance novel, published by Barbour, will come out in November 2017, and her Harlequin Love Inspired Historical novel comes out in Spring 2018. Angie is represented by Tamela Hancock Murray of The Steve Laube Agency. Come hang out with me on social media!
Twitter: @angiedicken
Pinterest: pinterest.com/agdicken


Tuesday, August 4, 2015

When Mamas Create


Have you listened to the podcast Magic Lessons with Elizabeth Gilbert? The bestselling author who's had Julia Roberts star in the movie version of her book (Eat, Pray, Love)? She's on a mission to help artists get past their fears so they can do their thing once and for all.


I've only listened to the first episode, but was inspired by what was there. Obviously I can't quite endorse it yet because I've only heard the first one, not to mention we have very different views on life and faith. But in the episode, Ms. Gilbert interviewed a woman who had the nagging desire to write. She became an English teacher instead and later had two children, shelving the dream and refining her craft in the meantime. Now that her kids are in school, she can't ignore that niggling desire anymore. And she's out of excuses, but she just can't seem to get started.  


In Ms. Gilbert's advice to her were some very important points that resonated with me in my current relationship with work and art and writing:


Mothers need to be given permission to do the things that ignite their souls. 

And fear shows up as perfectionism, insecurity, guilt, procrastination, and anything else that keeps them from doing those things.

I'm going to say this up front: The number one person who needs to give a mother permission to create is herself. The mom on the podcast is one example of so many who are riddled with guilt that their desires and attentions are pointed on anything but their children. They second guess any compromise involving their kids and often err on the side of sacrifice.

But children notice things. When Mama creates, they will either see her guarding her time, protecting her art, working hard, and investing in becoming the best version of herself. Or, on the opposite end of the spectrum, they will see a martyr-mother and become conditioned to letting duties delegate dreams to the back seat -- both hers and their own.

Yikes. The reality of that possibility makes me cringe.

The truth is, children of a certain age can learn to be self-sufficient during that pocket of time designated for your writing. They can learn to be creators themselves, if not in words or art, then in opportunities. Even if they're not natural creatives, per se, they'll live in a climate that encourages them to nurture their own dreams, give them feet, and pursue them unrelentingly. 

Ms. Gilbert compared the guest caller to a plane on a runway. She's spent plenty of time refining her craft, starting a blog, and building momentum, but she's reached the point where it's either run out of gas from excess taxiing, crash and burn into the neighboring field, or take off. 

This is my commission, not just for moms, but for anyone with that chance within them that's begging to be taken. It's time to stop letting fear (and its various disguises) sabotage the passion God has given us. It's time to take off, to do and create, find the healthiest balance, and discover the best version of ourselves so we can give more freely and love more deeply


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Laurie Tomlinson is a wife and mom from Tulsa, Oklahoma, who is passionate about intentional living, all things color-coded, and stories of grace in the beautiful mess. Previously a full-time book publicist, she owns a freelance copywriting, editing, and PR consulting business. 

She's a member of the American Christian Fiction Writers and received the Genesis Award in 2013 (Contemporary) and 2014 (Romance). 

Her work is represented by Rachel Kent of Books & Such Literary.

You can connect with Laurie here:
Twitter - @LaurieTomlinson