And, throughout the process, I have definitely felt the struggle of wanting to quit and wondering if I am one of the "faint of heart". But, I am also very competitive, and I force myself to believe, "my heart is stronger and my passion will drive me".
But, sometimes, I just want to hold up the big white flag and surrender.
Have you ever felt this way?
It's like I signed up for a marathon and realized I am not really a runner.
I sacrificed much...mainly nights=SLEEP, weekends=PLAY, lunch dates=FRIENDS, family time=LOVE...for...stories nobody want, or at least, want to give a chance.
Ever felt that way?
Yeah, I'd like to write, "I am the faint of heart...I QUIT!...This is for the birds! Give me a realistic dream, please."
I think something I've convinced myself of, is that the dream is only reality when I have success. The dream doesn't count until then. So when I want to throw in the towel, I feel like I am turning my back on a dream that hasn't even started.
But what if I've lived the dream for these past nine years, and my heart wants a break? I want to NOT care. I want to sit here and soak in the moments without trying to play scenes in my mind and figure out the next black moment. I want the torment of striving to be over.
I think every artist feels this way. I mean, Van Gogh cut off his ear for the madness of wanting to
create.
Yeah, I know that writing is in me. That more stories are in me. That I am going to find more word count down the road.
But right now? I think my heart is weary. My mind wants to wake up to reality and leave the dream alone for a bit.
Ever felt this way?
For me, I am the newest NaNoWriMo dropout, a writer turned reader, and a mama-writer minus the writer....for a season of a faint of heart.
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Angie Dicken is a full-time mom and lives in the Midwest with her Texas Aggie sweetheart. An ACFW member since 2010, she has written six historical novels and is represented by Tamela Hancock Murray of The Steve Laube Agency. Angie also spends her time designing one-sheets and drinking good coffee with great friends. Check her personal blog at angiedicken.blogspot.com and connect at:
Facebook: www.facebook.com/dicken.angie,
Twitter: @angiedicken
Oh Ang!!! So been there!
ReplyDeleteAng...You have spoke the words of many hearts. LOVED THIS POST!!
ReplyDeleteBeautiful post, Angie. Thank you for your transparency. Your words blessed me.
ReplyDeleteThank you for being so transparent. I certainly feel this way a lot. I'm not quite ready to call myself a NaNoWriMo dropout, but I'm definitely behind.
ReplyDeleteIn reading your post, I'm reminded of Phil 1:6. This is a verse I put in front of me when I feel discouraged about writing; it reminds me that HE is the faithful one, and that HE will be faithful to complete the work in me. Obviously, 'the work' it refers to is not an actual ms, but I like to think that applies too. :)
Oh yes, I have been there. Taking time away from your writing could be the best thing for your writing. Enjoy your restful season!
ReplyDeleteAmy and Mary, Thanks for your encouragement and friendship!!
ReplyDeleteJeanne,
ReplyDeleteI am glad it blessed you today. It has been something I've needed to do for a while...feels good to take a break.
Angie
Laura,
ReplyDeleteThank you for that verse. Such a great one! I know that I am not done writing...it's too much fun! Hoping to be refreshed and start up again with a better attitude.:)
Thank you, Rebecca!
ReplyDeleteThis post so touched me; I'm so fried and faint of heart with my writing as I attempt to finish NaNo. And I'm a perfectionist (not an excuse...) but the pressure has not been of God, and your words helped me to remember to surrender this dream again and again, give it to God, let it rest when it needs to--and that it's okay to be weak or faint of heart. Because He is strong. He is our strength.
ReplyDeleteI am right where you are. How many times have a cried out to God to take this from me so I might live in peace? But it remains. So I wait on His timing and purpose. Blessings to you.
ReplyDeleteAng, there is wisdom to stepping back and taking a break. Real wisdom. We don't often talk about the drain and sacrifices of the dream. Step back. Recharge. Settle in. And Breathe. In His time the dream will come to fruition. Until then, be kind to yourself.
ReplyDelete