Twenty steps to writing and publishing a novel

Sometimes we complicate things, so I thought we'd get back to basics today. Here is my 20 step program for writing and publishing a novel.

How To Write and Publish a Novel

1. Think of a fun, hooky story idea, and complete your research.
2. Create some quirky, realistic characters
3. Outline (or if you are a SOTP writer like me, start writing...)
4. For those who outlined... start writing. For those pantsters... keep writing.
5. Finish your perfect first draft!! (Pansters will get to this point sooner...)
6. Call your mother (or whoever your cheerleader is) and let them tell you how wonderful your book is and how it will probably be the next bestseller and promise to buy them a car out of your seven-figure advance.
7. Read your first draft and realize what a pile of crap it is. (Panster's drafts will be much more crappy though...)
8. Cry.
9. Get over yourself and sit down to edit.
10. Finish editing and pat yourself on the back.
11. Repeat steps 6 - 10 until you really hate your novel because you've read it so much.
12. Let a paid-editor/crit partner/crit group read your book and splatter it with red ink.
13. Repeat steps 8 - 10.
14. Go eat some chocolate.
15. Submit some agent queries.
16. Get rejected a billion times, edit some more, repeat steps 1 - 15 on more books
17. Finally snatch an agent.
18. Lose all your fingernails because you bite them while waiting for answers from publishers.
19. Resort to biting your toenails when an editor takes your manuscript to pub committee.
20. Throw a big party because, WOOHOO, you've got a contract, baby! 

(Please note, the time frame for this process varies depending on the author/agent/publisher/book)